Between the sheets..

I had thought that my days for talking to people who were thicker than 100 year old oaks were over now that everyone I encounter at the office is supposed to be sober. Unfortunately it proves true that when they are sober, muppets are still invariably muppets. Observe….

Me - We sent you two cheques back as you made them out to the deceased in error, can you check what’s happening with that?

Stockgirl - Our records show that Mr Bob himself cashed those cheques on the date of issue.

Me - Firstly, it’s impossible to cash a cheque on the date of issue as it would have to reach him in the post, second the cheque was issued in 2003 and Mr Bob died in 2001 so he certainly didn’t cash the cheque.

Stockgirl - No no, our system definitely shows he cashed the cheque on date of issue in 2003.

Me *after 5-10 minutes of repeating the above conversation* - LOOK! The guy was dead and burried for two years before you even sent the cheque out, HE DIDN’T CASH IT…unless of course he clawed himself out of the grave and walked into the bank. I’m sure we would all have heard about it though as the upset cashier would definately have gone to the news!

Stockgirl - I don’t know whats going on here.

Me - I don’t think you know what’s going on ANYWHERE!

Needless to say I am waiting for a call back from someone not completely lacking in brain function, and also for my brain to stop bleeding so heavily from all the pressure that built up in it over the 25 minute call.

Garry was away this weekend. Perhaps he will think twice before leaving me unsupervised next time?

Her - I had a little accident.
Him - What’d you do?
Her - I stuck my fingers together with expanding polyfiller foam!
Him - riiiiight
Her - It’s ok, I fixed it!

Despite being a slight r-tard, the holes in the wall are refilled, the curtain hooks are back up and the house is spotless, including my wardrobes which have been cleaned out and clothing bundled for charity. I can get shit done with less than the required number of digits. I rock!

Bash baby bunnies for an after lunch snack..

Special Needs: Oh my god, when I went for the test-drive on my new car…it had petrol in it!

Ms Woo(deadpan): You often find that

The post below this one is about me.

I cannot breathe, I haven’t slept much in the last two days, not at all last night and did I mention that I can’t breathe? I was feeling pretty sorry for myself today.

Following two sleepless nights, I wandered soullessly around the house at 7am this morning in a pair of rumpled pj’s, my hair a mess, no make-up, no colour to my cheeks, vapour rub glistening on my chest and upper lip with a breathing strip across my nose and dark circles under my eyes.

“Do i look as crap as I feel?”
“I love you”

Ever the diplomat eh?

Autoerotic asphyxiation without the auto or the erotic..

Special Needs has no sense of personal space or, so it would seem, any concept of what is acceptable behaviour in a workplace.

Yesterday I sat at my desk, file open in front of me and finger running down the page as I looked for some snippet of information. As if by magic a telephone message plonked itself between my face and the page I was so obviously reading.

That’s right, she stuffed a telephone message on top of the very important thing I was looking at.

I HATE THAT!

IT’S RUDE!

Ten minutes later I am now on the telephone responding to the message which she thought was so important before, when she meanders over, shoves her work in my face and screeches at me that she has put the wrong number in her book. I know five year olds with better manners than that!

I will have my day with that girl. I can see it approaching at frightening speed.

Special Needs - PAPER ‘p-a-p-p-e-r’?

Me - Huh?

If there is one traffic report I never thought I’d hear it would be this mornings.

The A1 is closed this morning due to burning pigs blocking the road.

That’s right. Pigs on fire all over the road. Ironically, I got bacon out for dinner before I left the house too.

Had no one commented to the post below, I would have completely forgotten to post the next part… so this is for Rachel.

Approaching the receptionist, she was all to happy to oblige and the answer was most definitely unforeseen.

Killer Otter

I would appear that the owner has some expensive fish hanging out in that pond and some insatiable otter has decided to make it his local deli bar.

A somewhat unexpected reply, but hell it was an unexpected sign too. I’d love to see some CCTV footage of that damned otter when he discovers the fence!